Annoying the Snake
by Hard To Scare
Summary: A different take ont the creation story. Parody! Lilith/ Adam/ Eve, Dumb!Adam, Diabolical!Eve/ Lucifer friendship. Warning: very weird.


**Disclaimer: As the author, I should let all my readers know that I don't actually know the "Fall of Creation" story as I'm not religious. I'm not really familiar with the bible and don't own any of the rights to the story. If I get it wrong sorry for offending the religious readers. Thank you, and enjoy.**

It was an average day in paradise or Eden or whatever, and Lucifer the snake was feeling bored. I mean he was the devil for god sakes, when he's not entertained he gets mean. He was stuck here on earth in god's special laboratory because he beat god on god's heavenly Ping-Pong game. Lucifer internally smiled, knowing one day, his experiments would record the Ping-Pong games and know that he would be known as the grand champion. Bored. So very, very bored.

"But what do you mean AT&T?" Wait, what was that? Lucifer stopped and grabbed himself a baby bird. "Why is AT&T better?" "Because we lack cognitive reasoning skills. God is great!" There, in one of the many sunny clearings, were no doubt some of god's newest experiments.

They had two long legs, except the one wearing, what is that, poison oak? Seems slightly lesser of a successful experiment. The Snake has been here what, like a week? And even Lucifer knows not to touch the poison oak. And that's saying something Lucifer is a snake now, after all. "I'm go get Shum dinnah." What was that terrible accent, Or wait, was that half a jackalope in it's jaws? I could unhinge my jaw, but that's a totally different thing. Okay, these longlegs were weird I dislike them. If only I wasn't so very bored . . .  
XATSX

I've been watching the longlegs for such along time, I can practically feel my brain turning into mush, so I talked to eve. The poor thing didn't even know what utencils were, but I think there is potential there. She asked, "what are you?" all quizzical like, it was almost adorable. Maybe I'll adopt her as a pet. She'd be a good pet. So anyway I replied, "Lucifer the Angel-Snake." I was really starved for company, I usually stare at bees pollinating all day, and so this was a special circumstances.

"An angel-Snake?" she wrinkled her nose in a really cute way. She's such a cute little longleg. "Yep, it's an odd story, and the big voice upstairs probably wouldn't like me hanging around." My voice was laced with sarcasm and there were faint thunder noises in the distance.

The human turned her head, "I don't get it," 'I don't expect you too," she huffed like one pet kangaroos I had when I was still an angel, I named them Flopsy, and Mopsy. "No, if you're a snake, why are you in paradise?" "That's a really good question!" Yes one of god's humans had caught me off guard. I'm losing my touch.

XATSX

Okay, the bees can't talk to me, I'm losing my freaking mind. It used to be funny to watch the longlegs stumble around and eat the wild Jackalopes. But they keep trying to _talk_ to me. Talk to me? It's annoying and I am going to go insane I swear on the cloud mattress I had back home.

Something has to be done about the never-ending debate of AT&T vs. Sprint receptions. I bet those two knuckleheads don't even realize what cell phones are yet. I did use to love making mischief. Time to get back to my old tricks.

And I knew just what to do to get these humans off my back.

XXATSXX

I had spent most of the day creating a box on wheels, and after a day in the hot sun, I really missed my angel powers more than ever. I love sliding around the trees, but _angel powers!_ I let out an internal annoyed sigh as I saw Eve approach; looking so cheerful it made me nauseous.

"Hi Eve!" she looked at me warily she can't catch on. "Hello Lucifer-Snake," the smaller longleg eyeballed me with more and more caution. Now or never. "Would you like to take a ride in my box on wheels?" "Not particularly." "Just get in the box on wheels." "No." "Get in!" I'm doing this for you and my mental health, your going to be happier I swear.

"Hey smell this poppy flower." The poor experiment did and was out like a light within the minute. "Gullible." I muttered as I got my recruited followers to pull the box on wheels away to the apple tree were I spent most of my "Lucifer-Time"

"Eve, wake up." She looked so cute sleeping, but she'd be up soon, then this era of annoyance will be over for me. Where is god anyway? Why is he letting his longleg get fed an apple?

'Hey, hey Lucifer." At that moment, Eve woke up, still groggy as to how she had been abducted. Dangit. "Eve, do you want to be smart?" I purred, I am a snake after all, I'm supposed to be evil.

" Of course, but my brain's too small." I saw her, pity in my eyes. She knew about her husband's carrying on with Lilith. "Do you want to take down Adam's girlfriend?"

Her eyes narrowed as she stared at me, gradually getting more cold and calculating than I ever though possible for a god-experiment. "Always."

I used my tail to pull down a golden apple, surely god wouldn't mind, this wasn't the frozen kumquat tree ordeal of -4381 B.A. He can't ban plants, it always ends badly, as it did with the Jackalopes.

"Eat the apple, and you can take down Lilith." God I am evil. It's so great to manipulate people again. I'm getting sappy, but I still have my mojo! Maybe I'll run over some unicorns later for a celebration, I don't know.

"And for the record, Lilith totally had back-fat."

Eve bit into the apple and gave me a large grin. I'm sure a longleg would of found it nice, but it was most disconcerting. "Oh Lucifer, you have been listening. "

This is going to be the best millennium ever.

Later:

"Aww Adam, it's a really good apple!" I coaxed. It's just an apple. Bite the apple. Ingest the apple. Be good enough for my new friend. Simple Adam. It's so simple.

It's just another average millennium in paradise.


End file.
